two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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