Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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