Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
