Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
