I faked an abortion last night.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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