five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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