i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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