Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
