is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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