how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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