I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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