He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
