I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
