This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
