I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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