haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize