Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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