I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
