I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
