you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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