We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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