Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
