I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
