i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
