hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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