my sisters under your porch take her home
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
