I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
