my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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