I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
