So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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