so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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