Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
