another moral hangover. fuck.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
