Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize