if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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