if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
