I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
