my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
