oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
