My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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