all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
