mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
