So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
