I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize