u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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