i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
