I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
