Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
