ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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