I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
