omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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