capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
