I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize