So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
