Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I want to have your abortion
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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