My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize