I wish I could teleport
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
