Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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