fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My vagina is officially offended.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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