Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
