drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
