I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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