I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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