Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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