I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
