I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
