Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
