just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
