Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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