On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
