I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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