I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
